Wayne Rooney is 22

'At the age of 33 Alexander the great wept salt tears as there were no lands left to conquer... Bristow is only 27.

Wayne Rooney is 22

However He's still doing better than Phil Collins. We've all seen strippers with better coverage than this

Be praised

"I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. Those are the two categories. The horrible would be like, uh, I don't know, terminal cases, you know? And blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else. That's all. So when you go through life you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's… You're very lucky, to be miserable."Woody Allen as Alvy Singer from “Annie Hall” (1977)

Island Calum Best

His dad was a footballer, he's got the Island

World Cup 2006 as it happened, in my mind

My fantasy
World Cup 2006 the final:


England explode into the match, Wayne Rooney scores a powerhouse hat trick in the first 20 minutes, this allows the long suffering England fans over an hour of euphoric singing. The emotion builds up to the looming final whistle, grown men are shown in the crowd in school-girl hysterics, as they realise they will now have to live in a world where England have won the World Cup.

In the final moments, and with his last act as a professional footballer, David Beckham rifles in a free kick. He and the other player go bananas. Beckham does two full circuits of he pitch in an effort to keep carpet baggers out of the photographs of this his defining moment. The players then take it in turns to be yellow carded by the referee as each outdoes the last in celebration until finally the referee gives up on restarting the match and blows for time



Beckham falls to his knees, and in an inspired TV angle the red arrows perform a fly-by reminiscent of the movie Platoon. The PA plays the triumphant music from the end of Rocky III. An official of The FA visits each player and hands him an almost identical pure white replacement shirt, the only adornment is a second gold star over the Three Lions badge. Due to the high levels of emotion everyone’s brain chemicals are so mixed up that the presentation ceremony is blanked from the whole world’s mind, except for the single image of Wayne Rooney doing the Nobby Stiles dance.

My reality
Wayne Rooney is sent off for stamping on someone knackers in the quarter final.




With in the next 4 minutes Joe Cole is sacrificed for the team, and David Beckham limps off. These leaves only Peter Crouch who is expected to gamely, yet hysterically, try to save England. In an utterly unsatisfying dénouement Portugal can’t even win the match and England fail in the penalty shootout. It’s too much for England and the players look like boys who know they are missing there own birthday party next week because their mum is taking them for a haircut.



Having watched this in a darkened room with an ice pack on my head, listening only to whale song I still register heart bursting palpitations. I repair to the pub for the Brazil France match where I witness a vicious pub brawl during which people are getting amateur plastic surgery with beer bottles, which all in all seems relaxing by comparison.

"If you want entertainment, go and watch clowns."

Liverpool vs Spurs last day of season write you scenarios below...
1) In an ironic twist of fate despite the Spurs team being 'down to the bear bones' Keane is not picked for the team because 'Arry has decided Keane and Defoe can't play up front together and selects Dawson as a striker and questions the transfer policy of the previous regime!
1.1) Keane comes on as a desperate sub and scores to put spurs 1 -1 and gain the point they need to stay up and deny Liverpool the title. Then desperately defending Keane arses the ball in for an OG Realizes what he has done he asks one of the crowd for their pistol and blows his own brains out….. See what William hill say to this
2) I like it a lot but it would be much better if, instead of scoring an OG, Keane concedes a pen in the 97th min of injury time (in a game with no injuries).
Mike Riley and Steve Gerrard argue over which one of them will take the pen that will win Liverpool their first Premier League title, Stevie G (I hate that) wins the battle and just like JT (I hate that 2) in the CL final last year sticks it in row Z.
So riley whistles for 3 retakes until Gerrard gets his arse stable enough to finally hit the post. Riley dispatches the rebound with aplomb.

Crestfallen Spurs disband and WHL becomes the new home of Cirque Du Solei

Tony Waddington: "If you want entertainment, go and watch clowns."

Norwood-Hamilton and the Island

There is a longstanding Hair Loss classification system called the Norwood-Hamilton scale. I have looked hard and long at this and none of these descriptions seem to cover the Island of Hair. Number 4 is close but is coupled with the "monk" patch at the back. Number 5 shows a tiny Island drifting but has a saddle of hair.

The Island need documenting as it is a devastating phenomena of male baldness. It's like the Ebola Virus of hair... by the time you notice someone is a suffer it's already to late!

To follow IOH no.3 Wayne Rooney.

Island of hair - No2 Alan Shearer

Alan Shearer : The archetypal victim of The Island of Hair
Alan Shearer was a great footballer, of that this is no doubt. He made goal scoring in the Premier League look like he was scoring when it suited him, purely for dramatic effect. Like the way a comedian times his punch line, or a singer hits the high notes.
As these photos show, there is no cure, there is no hope, and no one; no-one ever; survives the Island of Hair.
A brave castaway.

A brave castaway but remember once the main hair line is vertically level with your ears, you are bald. The Island itself doesn’t count, it is sailing into the sunset anyway, and you can tilt you head forward if you wish. You can waste money on barbers too if you like but it won't help.

Deliver us all from the Redknaps

Title says it all.

These two halfwits' mangling of the English language now makes Dennis Law, and his inability to finish any sentence, look like an orator with the skill of Martin Luther King Jr.

Their utter disregard for any of the rules of grammar makes it hard to describe, other than to say that they appear to have taught each-other english. One feeding inacurate info to the other in complete isolation, using only a brief conversation with a London cabbie as reference.

Let's not dwell on the circumstances where, in this world, both Jamie and Harry are multi-millionaires