World Cup 2006 as it happened, in my mind

My fantasy
World Cup 2006 the final:


England explode into the match, Wayne Rooney scores a powerhouse hat trick in the first 20 minutes, this allows the long suffering England fans over an hour of euphoric singing. The emotion builds up to the looming final whistle, grown men are shown in the crowd in school-girl hysterics, as they realise they will now have to live in a world where England have won the World Cup.

In the final moments, and with his last act as a professional footballer, David Beckham rifles in a free kick. He and the other player go bananas. Beckham does two full circuits of he pitch in an effort to keep carpet baggers out of the photographs of this his defining moment. The players then take it in turns to be yellow carded by the referee as each outdoes the last in celebration until finally the referee gives up on restarting the match and blows for time



Beckham falls to his knees, and in an inspired TV angle the red arrows perform a fly-by reminiscent of the movie Platoon. The PA plays the triumphant music from the end of Rocky III. An official of The FA visits each player and hands him an almost identical pure white replacement shirt, the only adornment is a second gold star over the Three Lions badge. Due to the high levels of emotion everyone’s brain chemicals are so mixed up that the presentation ceremony is blanked from the whole world’s mind, except for the single image of Wayne Rooney doing the Nobby Stiles dance.

My reality
Wayne Rooney is sent off for stamping on someone knackers in the quarter final.




With in the next 4 minutes Joe Cole is sacrificed for the team, and David Beckham limps off. These leaves only Peter Crouch who is expected to gamely, yet hysterically, try to save England. In an utterly unsatisfying dénouement Portugal can’t even win the match and England fail in the penalty shootout. It’s too much for England and the players look like boys who know they are missing there own birthday party next week because their mum is taking them for a haircut.



Having watched this in a darkened room with an ice pack on my head, listening only to whale song I still register heart bursting palpitations. I repair to the pub for the Brazil France match where I witness a vicious pub brawl during which people are getting amateur plastic surgery with beer bottles, which all in all seems relaxing by comparison.